A Southerners Guide to a Night in New York City

There are guidelines to follow for a southerner entering New York City for the first time. These guidelines, unlisted but tested, represent unspoken rules of self preservation that when broken, even if done casually and in good humor, lead to dire and often brutal consequences. In a place as heated and alive as New York City,  innocence is no excuse for ignorance.

Below are 5 rules to remember when traveling to New York City for the first time. The consequences of misidentifying  these unspoken rules of engagement are merciless, painful, and unrelenting, and even in a place as cool and as breath taking as New York City,  where even the most difficult task is done in style, punishments are as obstinate as the skyline itself and as varied as the people below it. These rules are also malleable and it is not where they land in your path but how hard you push when you meet the amalgamation of the whole.

Rule number 1

Don't Piss Off the Person That is Giving You a Place to Stay

This rule may seem easy to follow but booze and a new town can make even a self proclaimed southern gentlemen a difficulty to deal with. If your southern charm and Tennessee ways get you into trouble don't blame the drinks for being difficult. Blame the city, the lights, and the people. When there is a new galaxy to explore, manners can sometimes get lost in the deep end.

In an homage to prudence, if someone is letting you stay at their house free of charge, it is important to digest what that person considers politeness, especially for a house guest, and keep your verbal diet updated.  Use their version of polite and don't make up your own sequel especially if this directorial debut into a conversation with this person includes the emotional hair trigger topics of life or love.  Even though you think you are right, and you probably are, keep your mouth shut and have a smoke. If you feel like handing out drunken lessons from the bowels of love, relationships, and the imbecilic notion that a group of new graduates would want to go to a college bar on their first night in town ( It is fucking New York City), it may be best to wait till morning. All is well that ends, between drinking and walking away from fraternity toddlers and their withering sorority concubines, I pissed off the girl that was giving us a place to stay. This leads into rule number 2.

Rule Number 2

If you sleep in the park wait till daylight to lie down

This rule is potentially the most important because its disobedience includes rape, murder, and sexual acts to gruesome to be mentioned. But these outcomes can be unfortunate events true of disobedience to any of the rules above or below. It's really quite simple. If you find yourself at sunrise in New York City without a room to hide in and rest is all you have left, begin to look for a park; small, grassy, near a quiet cross street, and at best close to a business that sees vagrants that need a restroom and free ice water as potential customers. Starbucks is a good choice.

At about 8 o clock in the morning, when the sun arks over the highest concrete reaches and spills into the deepest ruts and wrinkles of the city, the park becomes an invisible shore where even the most tired ship wrecks can wash up upon, out of sight from the concrete sea around it. At this hour, I recommend lying on your back and pushing your body down into the grass under a shade tree, create an indentation in the Earth and feel the subway rumble underneath the ground and try to rest  When you wake up it is time to start moving. Get coffee and breakfast.

Rule number 3

Only Tourists Wait in Lines

New York is a fast paced town and only tourists have the time to wait in line. In my opinion even tourists should have some respect for an area as well as its economy and not act so touristy.  Put the camera down and make a move. It's time to say hello to natures most admirable achievement. Save the Utopian scrap heap of the park for another night and take yourself to any boro of your choosing. Look at the people before you begin to look up at the buildings. Once you raise your head and witness human's achievement of architectural mastery there is no going back. Just face it that people are pretty boring unless you stop to get to know them, but give strangers a chance and keep walking. (The relationship between New Yorkers and cloths could be studied for years) The best sites to see are those secret places lucky to not be noticed by the creators of guide books and tourist maps. Most sights that are listed for tourists to check out are historically  interesting with a unique New York energy and feel but through over crowding and lines this electrical buzz is disseminated much too thin to be felt.  

Exit the line now and for the rest of your life and pull out a GPS and get moving, there are a few things to see and lots to experience. Think of what you would like to see, type it in and get moving. Explore the depths of the park and bring a blanket. Take the subway across town and back again. Go to the top floor of a building where your restricted to be. And when night begins to show its self,  eat out in a small hamlet in any village of your choosing. Bring cigarettes, because they are expensive as heaven and always keep your mind on not wanting more while experiencing everything. Sometimes lines are going to be in your way and not everyone is going to have the name or money to go straight to the front. Find someone interesting near by and make a stranger a friend. And if the person is boring look to another. A line is only a line when it is related to time.  That's at least what my grandma always said.  I think it means forget time and enjoy the space time fills.  I'm not real sure though.

Rule Number 4

Being Passive Aggressive Does Not Fly

Asking for something means nothing unless you plan on getting it. In the South being subtle has its charm as well as a ring side seat always partly in play, coaching from off screen or whispering sweet nothings to the bikini glad women who announces the coming of a new round. But in New York City the proverbial gloves are off lying somewhere on the floor, speckled with staples, lingering paper, and chewed gum the color of vomit.  The most important part of this rule is if you have never been in a fight then get into one before going to New York. A city that size is not a training ground. It is an arena with blood stains ten floors deep and ninety stories high. If there is something you want in New York City go and get it, if not move to the Mid West.

If you are not a fighter, as I am not, focus on what you want and use your head to get it. Empathy is a great trend setter. I think the ration is 20:1.  One out of this crowd will know how to get what you want and it is alright to find that person. You can also be that person but that will come later.  To find a diamond in the rough draw some attention to yourself so that your intentions are clear..But unless your a magician, don't stand out to much,  you can't afford to get much done under that sort of surveillance. For us peace makers and reasonable individuals, which a suspect you are, the last and final step is a calculated leap of faith.

Rule Number 5:

Know which rules are OK to be broken

Lastly, make sure to use cross walks and crossing lights as suggestions instead of laws.  Most of us are not rats for Christ sake.  Your not going to make it anywhere if you rely on painted lines and blinking pictures of little men to tell you where and when to go.  (Are those signals sexist?). You have to use your instinct and take chances and hope the cab driver that is about to hit you ate his protein that morning and stops before shattering your knees. Be smart as you can be.  Make up your own rules and follow those that apply to you.  There are far to many opinions walking along the roads and living in buildings, and driving along to have to pick and choose which ones to use as your own. 

These are some rules to live by. I am interested in the rules you think I left out. Please share...